Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Life Choices

My life is on the Brown Table today. Those of you who know me know I make a habit of choosing unwise life-changing decisions. For those of you who have just stumbled onto my blog - trust me...they're idiotic. I find myself on two very different sides today, but I can't help but hear "C.S. Lewis Song" by Brooke Fraser running through my brain... "If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy, I can only conclude that I, I was not made for here." I'm very weary of the games I play and fence I'm balancing on. So, I'm starting a 30-day journey. A fast, of sorts, from the world. Not in an Amish-I'm-not-going-to-leave-my-Christian-bubble kind of way, but an I-want-to-know-what-a-faith-based-relationship-with-Christ-feels-like kind of way. My sin tendencies are so incredibly enticing, especially lately. I've pursued the world's fun for longer stretches than this, and I really want to see the end results of this 30-day immersion.

Today's sermon really pushed me to just pursue a Godly lifestyle like I've never tried before. You can take a listen to it here if you are so inclined. The part that really caught my attention is when the pastor reminded us of our job as Christians - to make other world see and desire Christ. We should be living with such a compelling lifestyle that others desire to live in the same way. I should forgive like no other, love like no other, and live a pleasing daily life.

Another really pressing reason I am choosing to finally put my full and unyielding trust in Christ for everything right now is my kiddos (I had to go back and add the "s" to kiddos. I have two now, and I keep forgetting!!). Ricky adores Christian music, "church school" (children's church), and just generally talking about Jesus to anyone who will listen. I want to be an amazing example for this fantastic and already God-fearing child of mine.

The third reason I have chosen to endure the commitment is from my desire to understand what it means to have God as a father/friend/personal Savior. To understand what it can feel like to truly have God in my ear and on my heart to encourage me daily. Apparently this is something that He desires as well, and I want to know what the people who have this personal relationship thing down have. I was recently reminded of this desire because of a book I have been reading.

"A Broken Kind of Beautiful" by Katie Ganshert. Though fiction, the ideas included happen in real life all the time. I want to feel that ability that these characters have to simply trust God with whatever He might have planned with their circumstances. They're ability to hear His voice. I have all the head knowledge in the world about Christianity. No matter what scripture the pastor brings up or bible story he begins explaining, I know right where he's going with it. I want to have heart knowledge as well.

For many years I have been playing the fence, teetering back and forth between my desire to be a God-follower and my desire to be immersed in the "fun" that the world has to offer. I want to spend the next 30 days avoiding the things that feed my sinful desires. Things like my music playlists that encourage my depression, TV Shows like The L Word and Orange is the New Black. I'm not going to hide under a rock and have nothing to do with the world outside my front door, but I am choosing to shirk away from the actions and situations that I know will or might lead to sin.

I want to commit - really commit - to spending time with God on a DAILY basis, in prayer, in Bible Study, and in conversations with those around me. I want to TRUST God for the things in my life that I know I can't do alone. (Raise my kid, stay married, breastfeed my new kiddo, work from home, etc) Some people in my life just cannot understand why in the universe I would desire such sinful things, and others cannot understand my desire to get all religious. (As I type this, Ricky just informed me that Jesus died on the cross. Love this kid!) I hope that this next month and the blogs associated with my exercise in faith will cause both groups of people to see me for who I am, and through that to see God for who He is. Above all...I hope to see God for who He is....

Incidentally, and kind of as an afterthought... "hope" in the Greek means "expectation, trust, confidence". So, my hope is an expectant hope, not just an empty one that's result could go either way...

Stay tuned,

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the water, wherever you would call me...that my faith would be made stronger in the presence of my Savior..."


Ashley Jackson said...

Hey girl,
Great post. You know my struggle with depression so since I know you like to read and sermons I thought I would share a few things that helped me in my journey, still are.
God Loves Ugly by Christa Black was really good and relate-able. Another book called The Gift of Being Yourself by David Benner is really good. When I went to a Soul Care lady she really encouraged me to sit in a posture of hands open to the Lord to receive from Him who I was and how much He loved me without trying to do anything.
You take the words right out of my mouth about "knowing all the right answers" and yet its NOT WORKING!!! That is how I felt. It started changing for me when I kinda said, OK I see this change I need to make but I have tried to make it, I CAN NOT do it, so I agree Lord it needs to change, but I don't know how to do it so please do it for me. I still have things like that, was thinking about that even this morning on my run about my problem with over eating and feeling like this can never change, I feel powerless to change things long term. Another thing that I think was huge for me was that I kinda believed when I was younger that I never needed to repent again because it was all covered by Jesus sacrifice once, in my case I think this has really hung me up in some of my pet sins. Our pastor is doing an intense study through Matt right now and was just telling us this last week as well that HE is waiting for us to repent to release the grace that we need to be free. A bunch of people went forth kneeling in repentance, including us. You can listen to them at HarvestDenver.org I think for so long I tried to change myself through behavior modification and now I see all that was worthless, I am the one in Is 61 who is broken hearted, sitting in darkness, and needed a savior to save me even after I was saved. God had to get to some deep roots in me and rip those suckers out, and I had to give him permission, I think that is exactly what you are saying, like you are ready for that.
Keep writing it helps, at least for me. God wants to set you free more than you want it, and at least in some of my depression ways I really feel like God has set me free. I was just thinking the other day, its working, I am free, it's like experiencing the Resurrection in my life that I don't think I had ever really experienced before!! Excited for your journey....
Ill Be praying for your heart...

Heather Aguayo said...

Thanks so much for your words, suggestions, and encouragement!!!! I'll need the prayer, so thank you. :) I've never really been brave enough to publicly say "OK God, let's go". So...here we go.... :)