My life is on the Brown Table today. Those of you who know me know I make a habit of choosing unwise life-changing decisions. For those of you who have just stumbled onto my blog - trust me...they're idiotic. I find myself on two very different sides today, but I can't help but hear "C.S. Lewis Song" by Brooke Fraser running through my brain... "If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy, I can only conclude that I, I was not made for here." I'm very weary of the games I play and fence I'm balancing on. So, I'm starting a 30-day journey. A fast, of sorts, from the world. Not in an Amish-I'm-not-going-to-leave-my-Christian-bubble kind of way, but an I-want-to-know-what-a-faith-based-relationship-with-Christ-feels-like kind of way. My sin tendencies are so incredibly enticing, especially lately. I've pursued the world's fun for longer stretches than this, and I really want to see the end results of this 30-day immersion.
Today's sermon really pushed me to just pursue a Godly lifestyle like I've never tried before. You can take a listen to it here if you are so inclined. The part that really caught my attention is when the pastor reminded us of our job as Christians - to make other world see and desire Christ. We should be living with such a compelling lifestyle that others desire to live in the same way. I should forgive like no other, love like no other, and live a pleasing daily life.
Another really pressing reason I am choosing to finally put my full and unyielding trust in Christ for everything right now is my kiddos (I had to go back and add the "s" to kiddos. I have two now, and I keep forgetting!!). Ricky adores Christian music, "church school" (children's church), and just generally talking about Jesus to anyone who will listen. I want to be an amazing example for this fantastic and already God-fearing child of mine.
The third reason I have chosen to endure the commitment is from my desire to understand what it means to have God as a father/friend/personal Savior. To understand what it can feel like to truly have God in my ear and on my heart to encourage me daily. Apparently this is something that He desires as well, and I want to know what the people who have this personal relationship thing down have. I was recently reminded of this desire because of a book I have been reading.
"A Broken Kind of Beautiful" by Katie Ganshert. Though fiction, the ideas included happen in real life all the time. I want to feel that ability that these characters have to simply trust God with whatever He might have planned with their circumstances. They're ability to hear His voice. I have all the head knowledge in the world about Christianity. No matter what scripture the pastor brings up or bible story he begins explaining, I know right where he's going with it. I want to have heart knowledge as well.
For many years I have been playing the fence, teetering back and forth between my desire to be a God-follower and my desire to be immersed in the "fun" that the world has to offer. I want to spend the next 30 days avoiding the things that feed my sinful desires. Things like my music playlists that encourage my depression, TV Shows like The L Word and Orange is the New Black. I'm not going to hide under a rock and have nothing to do with the world outside my front door, but I am choosing to shirk away from the actions and situations that I know will or might lead to sin.
I want to commit - really commit - to spending time with God on a DAILY basis, in prayer, in Bible Study, and in conversations with those around me. I want to TRUST God for the things in my life that I know I can't do alone. (Raise my kid, stay married, breastfeed my new kiddo, work from home, etc) Some people in my life just cannot understand why in the universe I would desire such sinful things, and others cannot understand my desire to get all religious. (As I type this, Ricky just informed me that Jesus died on the cross. Love this kid!) I hope that this next month and the blogs associated with my exercise in faith will cause both groups of people to see me for who I am, and through that to see God for who He is. Above all...I hope to see God for who He is....
Incidentally, and kind of as an afterthought... "hope" in the Greek means "expectation, trust, confidence". So, my hope is an expectant hope, not just an empty one that's result could go either way...
"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the water, wherever you would call me...that my faith would be made stronger in the presence of my Savior..."