Friday, January 28, 2011

Bump in the road

Well all, I had several good topics for today's blog. But I just can't get them written. I found out on wednesday that I am not, after all, having a baby. I had a miscarriage of sorts. The baby stopped growing. It starting disappearing. :( I was only 9-ish weeks along so we hadn't even seen an ultrasound yet. We went in two weeks ago for the ultrasound and the doc said the sac was empty! I thought, ok, so it's just earlier than we thought. He said the same thing, had me take some blood tests, and said to come back in two weeks. Went back, and the ultrasound looked the same. I was shocked. I just kept looking at the screen going, there's got to be something wrong with the machine this wouldn't happen to me. But it did. He made me get another ultrasound in the main building and do more blood tests to confirm. While we were in the main building my poor little man was just going insane. I want to cry when I think about how he just have felt. No nap, dirty diaper (we realized 5 hours later we hadn't changed it), bored out of his mind, and hungry. We let him walk around and play inside the "dressing rooms" they have outside the ultrasound rooms. Suddenly, a nurse peeks her head out of one of the doors looking really annoyed. Usually, normal Heather would, at this point, immediately get up, grab little man, and apologize profusely before she would have even had time to say a word. Not this time. I just sat there and looked at her. She said something about "if the doors break..." and her voice trailed off. In my mind I'm going "...then you'll fix them...". lol. She mentioned that the her room and the room next to hers could hear the banging of the door too. Again, I just looked at her. Said ok. And stayed where I was. Ricardo was right next to Ricky so he took his hand and led him back to me, but I just sat there. I really had a new understanding of perspective. I might have done the same thing as that nurse. Not quite as rudely, but said the same things, or even asked that they not let their child play with the dressing rooms. Not realizing that this family may have just found out disappointing news, not have planned on being in the hospital all day getting more ultrasounds; that if they had known they would be there, they wouldn't have brought they're child, that maybe the child was hungry or bored, that maybe the parents weren't even really all there because of the news they just got. Perspective changes things. This was also the first time I chose to show what I felt. I don't usually appear to haev just found out crappy news when I have. I act normal and peppy and happy. I don't care to this time. I'm really bummed. (and the really cool fluctuating hormones don't help the stability factor either)
In any case, we finally fed little man, and changed his diaper. I felt like the worst mother in the world when I realized he hadn't been changed in over 6 hours. Tears fall as I type this because I can't believe it. I know it's not the end of the world, but like I said, i have these really cool fluctuating hormones right now. Finding out my baby wasn't growing isn't even the worst part. Because no tissue came out letting me know I had miscarried. They gave me pills to start the natural miscarriage process. So, for the past two days, I have been having a miscarriage. It sucks. It makes me cry about everything. It makes knowing I'm not pregnant even worse than before. It's the strangest experience I've ever had. I was completely fine after we found out until I had to tell someone in person that I had to take meds to finish the miscarriage. I absolutely fell apart. Hearing myself say what I was going through just killed me. But I dunno why! It doesn't sound that bad typed up. It sound manageable to me typed up. But telling my friend about it was just too much. Again...perhaps the hormones. Pretty much it's the hormones typing this....i'll probably delete it tomorrow!

Now, having this strange experience makes me wonder a few things. Should I not be trying to have another kid right now? Is this God telling me, wait? Or is this God saying, that baby wasn't ready. Is this God saying Focus on school right now? Or is this God saying, see what doing school right now will do to you? Or is this not God at all? I know everything is in God's plan, but knowing that makes me a little insane wondering what it all means.

For now I'll just have to rejoice that my preggo boobs are still with me, and will look fabulous in my dress for my cousin's wedding tomorrow. ;) I'm wearing heels. :) They make me taller. Can you imagine? Me, taller?

More exciting posts later, friends. Thanks for listening.


Phoenix said...

Oh Heather - I'm so deeply, incredibly sorry. I wish I knew something better to say but I don't, so please, instead of awesomely timed words of wisdom, just imagine that you're getting a hug from someone you just kinda sorta met, who think you're incredibly strong and brave and a very wonderful mother (I have seen that firsthand.)

Heather said...

Thanks so much Tracy! The hug is way better than awesomely timed words of wisdom :) I am much less dramatic now (I think) so I thought it safe to return to blogger land! Ha. Thank you for your words, you caring means so so much.

Phoenix said...


Dionne said...

Oh man, I am only just reading this post now. What a hard time. I am sorry you had to go through this!

And what a poo-face of a nurse!

Love you hun!