Saturday, August 15, 2009

Confusion

I am confused! Life is going so GOOD right now! I have a wonderful husband and new baby. I have a good church. AWANA is getting ready to start up and I'm the new Game Director! And yet....I'm feeling depressed. Maybe it's all the hormones still goin' through body? Blah. All I want to do is eat pop tarts, watch tv, and play that facebook word game. And Jon just died. I can't even believe it!!!!!!! Jessica and he JUST STARTED OFFICIALLY DATING! He's had a crappy 6 (or so) years being paralyzed for no damn reason, and now he is gone. Better for him yes? He's in heaven. But it's just so incredibly sad. An amazing life...an amazing guy...gone from our lives *snaps fingers* just like that. I feel like the friends I was just starting to make are suddenly pulling away from me. It's like I suddenly don't exist. I'm trying to be there for these girls I considered my friends during the hard times their going through...husbands out of work....husbands away for a month at a time for work...and it's like they don't want it! They don't want me. I'm not a good friend for them to rely on or even turn to for some free time away from the not so good stuff in their lives. I give up! It's hard for me to make friends. I'm a great person for "acquaintances". I'm amazing at being friends from a distance. Online...texts...random events or dinner or whatever...but it's always been hard for me to be that everyday friend. I've been working so hard on it and ...yet again... the friends my age I've been working so hard to keep do not care anymore. Maybe they never really did? Maybe I made a friend out of an acquaintance. Takes me back to the time with A when I thought we were friends. We were gonna be roommates and then suddenly she informed me she didn't see me as a "friend" but just an acquaintance. That hurt so much. It's in the past and things with her have changed...but it's like it's happening all over again. I need to focus on my friend Courtney and my family and AWANA. The rest doesn't matter.

This is just how I feel right now. Every nite I'm alone at home (Ric works three of the nites a week) I just want to cry and eat pop tarts and watch tv. My house is unorganized because I took everything out of my desk to organize it all. So all the paperwork is everywhere. And I just want it to sit there. I was at an AWANA conference all day so I didn't have time. I thought maybe Ric would do a little bit of it...but no. I am not upset really...he works two jobs so that I can stay home. He works two jobs!! Try to remember the good stuff....

How do you guys deal when you're down or depressed? If I keep eating pop tarts I'm going to be huge.

2 comments:

Dionne said...

I know, this whole news about Jon really shocked us! I am not sure if you heard, but there will be a memorial for him this Saturday coming at Gate Church. Not sure on the time yet, all I know is it's Saturday.

I am sorry to hear you are depressed! But good friends are really hard to find. It takes a lot of investment on both sides, and if the other side doesn't want to make that investment, it can be so hurtful! Have you prayed about it? Ask God to bring someone into your life that you can really be a friend to, and that will do the same for you. I wish I lived closer to you, hun!

Heather said...

Thanks Dionne. I will pray...you're right. :) I did hear that Jon's memorial was saturday but unfortuantely I had a prior engagement I couldn't get out of.