Saturday, May 9, 2009

An invitation

So my Mom and I just finished and mailed all our invitations for the baby shower. It's weird because I have no clue who I'm supposed to invite...and then people I didn't even know knew me that well wanted to be invited and I don't want to invite people I'm not that close to "just because" because...because I don't like the attention all on me as it is. And I don't want people to think I'm inviting them just because I want them to bring something. It's always a frustrating situation with me and parties. This is why I didn't have a bridal shower or even a real wedding. I get way too analytical about what people with think if they are/aren't invited. I'm starting to feel like having a kid is a little more real and realistic. I feel so bad for not liking my kid-to-be. It's just a tough time. I don't have a good job, Ricardo and I can barely pay 3/4 of the bills we actually owe, and I'm currently contributing NOTHING to our family. Ricardo is very encouraging and constantly telling me that my contribution is the baby (it's so weird to be with a guy that wants kids more than me. :D ), but I've always been able to take care of myself. It's unnerving to have to depend on Ric for EVERYTHING. Even rides. I can't drive right now b/c we can't afford my insurance so he has to take me everywhere whenever I want to do something. He doesn't mind at all -- I hate it. We have things very good all in all. We can afford our own apt. and have been blessed with friends who give us their boys' clothes and baby changing stations and toys. I am so incredibly grateful for how much STUFF we have for the baby already. My mom is so amazing and has bought ALL KINDS of stuff already. She's so excited to be a Grandma. My dad is ok with it, but I feel like he wishes it was a girl then he'd be more excited. My dad's support and approval is like Gold to me. I don't always act like it...but deep down I'm CRUSHED when I know he doesn't approve.

Speaking of invites to baby showers and weddings... my ex-bf is getting married at the end of this month. I'm happy for him that he found someone who loves him for who he is and doesn't want him to change. I don't talk to him anymore but I saw this Circuit Board picture frame and it SOOO made me think of him. I keep wanting to go buy it and send it to him with a picture of him and his girl for a wedding present. But why? Why do I care? It's such a "J" gift but....I shouldn't even remember he exists. Guess you really DON'T ever forget your first love. I sure wish I could though.

I need to be more organized at home for Ricardo. I don't keep the house super neat and clean like I should. Nor do I make every meal. I need to cook for him more. He makes it so easy to be lazy! But being lazy makes me even more depressed because I know I should be better.

I hope as the 5 1/2 weeks till the baby comes gets closer, I find more things to be happy about this child coming into our lives. I want to be excited and joyous....but I'm more worried about how we're going to afford him and if I will go back to work or if Ric can get a second job....
It's definitely weird to have a living thing inside me. I feel like an alien lol.

My thoughts are so sporadic...I'm going to go read now and try to not be so scatterbrained. I have sound tomorrow...i hope the video doesn't mess up ha.

It feels good to blog again....contain all my thoughts here so I don't spout them off randomly at my mom or Ricardo so they make no sense. They probably don't make sense here either but at least they're out of my brain for the moment. :)

1 comment:

Dionne said...

I hear a lot of mothers-to-be who speak of having the same plight as you - not being over the moon about their baby to come. But I hear that as soon as they see that little baby, something in them changes. When they hold that little kidster for the first time... that's when they know unconditional love.

I know how you feel about the dad approval thing. I am sooo the same way!