The title of today's blog is a quote from the Tinker Bell movies . Ricky LOVES them, and, of course, so do I. I have become incredibly girly as a mom of 2 boys. It's a bit oxymoronic, doncha think? In any case, I've been thinking my next study topic for this 30 day journey would be trust. In the process of ignoring my bible study , I've learned a bit about trust.
Ricardo hurt his back at work last week. Not completely shocking for those of you who know us, but what's interesting to me is that it's a completely different part of his back. His lower back has actually been doing BETTER with this job. His muscles have been strengthened and he has lost a lot of weight! Last week, his upper back started having muscle spasms. It got so bad that I had to pick him up from the job site. He was in tears as he tried to walk by himself to the car - there was just no denying that he was actually hurt. You guys know me - I'm no sympathetic wife - but it's clear that he actually has back issues that require something more than losing weight and exercising. This knowledge is SO depressing to me. We've had these issues before with Ricardo, and spent two years with him on disability. He has finally been back to work and doing well, and now this. We are in a new state; at a new church; and he is at a new job. Having this happen here is very unsettling. I know the system in California. I know our options, and we know WAY more people, so that if I needed to get a job quick there might even be opportunity.
This stress on top of my feelings of loneliness and stress about the kids has really pushed me towards numbness. I'm just done with emotions all together at this point. What else can I do? What are our options? As of today, my husband has no income. My proofreading online brings in about $400/month if I'm lucky. I've started up my own business (besides my online writing), and I hope it takes off, but other than that - my option is to trust that God knows what He's doing.
I have no idea why God has decided that this is a good time for Ricardo's back to have NEW problems. It can't be so that I'll "turn to Him". I'm already on a stupid 30 day journey to a relationship with Him! What more does He want?! (I've learned to really never ask that question) I don't know! But I do know that I am to have joy...according to the Apostle Paul: in all things.
Through these ridiculous trials we CONTINUE to have, I will become perfect and complete. I love the book of James; it always tells me exactly what I'm screaming to understand. You'd think by now, in my 30th year of life, that I'd know that and simply follow directions. But no, temptation awaits. This week especially, I am feeling so incredibly tempted to jump ship - in all facets of life. And though it's never helped me in the past, it's still a nagging urge. Like in The Screwtape Letters the devil has sent his little demons out to flood my mind with alternative options for my happiness. Or, like this quote suggests, that the demons are blocking anything good from coming in...so all that's left to roll around in there is the crap.
BUT - with a little bit of faith and trust, I will be able to see through this fog of circumstances, and hopefully I won't need the pixie dust. ;) If we can continue on in our pursuit of a life lived after God's own heart, we can't help but have faith.
How about you? What trials are you facing right now? How are you handling them? Tell me below! I LOVE hearing from ya'll on a personal level.
Till next time,
Milk Mama Heather